How To: Online Dating Part 1

The world of online dating can be messy and overwhelming. It's extremely difficult to know off the bat whether or not the person who messaged you is worth investing time into. As easy as it is to match with someone, it's become very difficult to make a genuine connection with anyone. My hope is that reading this will help you weed out those who would waste your time as well as help you attract the type of person you'd like to meet.

I want to preface this post with a few things:

First, I personally have tried online dating on and off all throughout college and graduate school, and though I didn't always meet my partner during those years through the internet I can proudly say I have NEVER been on a bad date. I have many stories about men that I knew almost off the bat I would never see again after the first date, and went out with a few men who were (for lack of a better term) strange... I mean, one guy faked a british accent so poorly I thought he had a speech impediment until he told me the "accent" developed during his 3 months abroad in the UK... But all were genuinely good guys who treated me with respect and who were serious about wanting to be in a committed relationship.

Second, I met my current husband though an online dating site. We've had our ups and downs (like all couples) and despite everything I'm proud to say that I am truly lucky to have found him. He is the reason why I feel qualified to write a blog post (which will probably turn into a short series) on online dating - not because I married a man I met through the internets but because originally I had no interest in going out with him in the first place.

Finally, as a psychotherapist I've become pretty damn good at reading signals and non verbal cues from people. I have good insight into human nature and have no problem telling my clients and anyone reading this what the reality of any situation is.

I'm also going to assume that those reading this are looking for serious, long term relationships.

1. Be Yourself

As cliche as this sounds, it's at the top of my how-to-successfully-date-online list for a reason. Eventually whoever it is you're going to connect with will meet you in person. They will find out if you're lying about your picture, your job, your interests or anything else you're tempted to be dishonest about. The lie will hurt the relationship before it's even begun. Your potential partner will find the idea of pursuing you unappealing because you've been dishonest. You will be hurt because someone you could have had a real relationship with will not want you (and you'll never know whether it's because you lied or because of what you lied about).

We all try to put our best foot forwards when meeting someone knew. That's absolutely normal and totally fine. But you deserve to be with someone who wants to meet the REAL you, whoever that may be.

2. Don't Be TOO Real

Marilyn Monroe was rumored to have said, "...if you can't handle me at my worst than you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". Well, love is a decision. Let someone decide that they want you in the first place before asking them to handle anything.

There is a very big difference between being yourself and being the craziest, most intense version of you. We all have our quirks. We can all be annoying, irritating and insane. No one needs to see that side of you on your profile page. No one really needs to see it on the first or second date either. Yes, you should be honest but don't expect to let it all loose and have the person be standing there at the end of it all.

3. Take Your Time

It takes time to get to know someone. Give yourself a chance to do that. See if you like what the person has to say; whether or not you like their sense of humor, their way of speaking, what they're interested in. See how they react to what you enjoy. Are they willing to ask questions about who you are? Do they seem genuine and good hearted?

Be careful about asking too many "in the future" questions. You've literally just met someone. Their five year plan is not important just yet. Whether or not you enjoy their company is. Don't be afraid to go on a first date before knowing their life story. Those are better told in person anyway.

4. Be Flexible

We're all busy and don't have much time to waste. This is part of the appeal of online dating - you can search for your potential partner from anywhere in the world and will already have a sense of who they are before you commit to meeting them. That being said, you never know who will end up being right for you. It's extremely difficult to get to know someone until you've met them in person. Someone not your type can end up being much more attractive in person. Someone with a job you wouldn't normally pursue might make you happier than you would have thought possible.

It is important to have standards: for example you should never tolerate being treated with disrespect or give a chance to someone who doesn't seem to value you or your time. However it's up to you to know what your values are, what you can tolerate, and what you can live with before heading off into the dating world.

On a more personal note: If you've read the intro I've already mentioned I had no intention of ever going on a date with my current husband before meeting him. Our initial conversation through the site was not memorable. He is shorter than any man I've ever dated and completely the opposite (physically) of what I would normally be attracted to. And he was AWKWARD. The one phone conversation we had was excruciating, and planning the date itself was so irritating to me that day of before leaving for work the morning we were supposed to meet I told someone wise and close to me that I planned on canceling the date. That wise person asked me whether my then future husband seemed like a good, kind guy. He did seem nice, albeit weird. She told me I was being an idiot if I didn't at least give him a chance in person. "People are different in surprising ways in person," she said. I met him and from that first date things clicked. We were engaged within months, married within a year.

5. Pay Attention To The Profile

What people choose to write (and just as importantly) not write can be good insight into who they are. Do they leave the majority of the profile blank and only put up a good looking picture? Can be a red flag that tells you they believe looks alone can carry them through, or that they aren't invested enough in the process to bother filling anything out. Do they include a diatribe about fuck boys or bitches? Chances are they're in a place where it might be tough to trust that you are "not like the others".

Don't forget to read what they have to say about taboo topics such as politics, religion, finances. Having similar values will be important in the long run. It would be a shame to connect about a variety of topics, feel attracted to one another, date, have fun and then realize you want to punch each other in the face when it comes to life views or that he's much more religious than you'd ever want to be.

6. Profile Pic IS important

Someones profile picture says a lot about them. This is the way they're introducing themselves to you and the rest of the thousands of people on whatever site you're on. Which picture they choose says something about them. A girl who has a picture of herself in pseudo-lingerie and writes that she's looking for a no nonsense relationship is an attractive red flag. So are many pictures of a guy showing off abs and pecs. It could be that they're huge gym buffs and if that's what you're looking for, great! However, the fact that they chose those specific pics as an introduction from themselves may speak more to their vanity or desire for attention than anything else.

In terms of your own photos: make sure they send the message you want to send so that you'll attract the type of person you want to attract.

6. Don't Think You'll Change Anyone

People are generally very clear about who they are and where they are in life. Don't think that going out with someone will change them. If you want children but they clearly say in their profile (and when asked) that they do not, you have your answer - move on. The same goes for anything that you notice initially and have strong feelings about: religion, monogamy, short term vs. long term dating, their job choice/career...

If online dating has taught us anything it's that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Don't try to force an issue. Find someone who shares your core values and beliefs and learn to live with the less important stuff.

7. Don't Jump Into Bed

I realize this might get me a bit of criticism, however I firmly believe if you're looking for a serious relationship NOT having sex on the first few dates is important. Obviously, you'll fairly quickly find out if the person you've met is serious about dating or if they're looking for a quick and easy lay. Less obviously, you'll get to know them better and keep them interested longer.

When we have sex with someone it changes the way we see them. It causes an irrational attachment fueled by the high of orgasmic bliss. This makes it much harder to gauge how you feel about this new person and just as importantly how they feel about you.

8. Listen To Your Gut

If you have a bad feeling about someone DO NOT GO OUT WITH THEM. You are under no obligation to meet anyone you don't want to. Do NOT give out personal information unless you feel it's a person you're comfortable with and would like to meet. Even then, it's okay to be cautious. Meet in public places and get there on your own. Let people know that you're going out with someone new and trust your instincts. If it feels wrong it probably is.

Yet another personal story: Back in college, when I first moved to North Philly, I tried online dating in an attempt to get to know the city better and meet people. One young man (I remember that he worked in finance) wanted to meet for drinks within the first few seconds of starting a conversation (red flag 1) and was a little pushy about it (red flag 2). I decided to give him a chance thinking that maybe he was just really interested in me and worst case scenario it would be a bad first date. He suggested a bar and I googled the location. It was a dangerous part of Philly on a side street that was difficult to get to with public transportation (red flag 3). I asked if he'd be willing to meet somewhere else since it would be tough for me to get to that bar. He gave me a hard time and was pushy about meeting at that particular place. I had a bad feeling and didn't go out on the date. Could it have been a big misunderstanding? Sure. Could I have been paranoid and overly cautious? Absolutely. But honestly, I don't give a shit about rationalizing things like that. I had a bad feeling. I didn't go. No regrets. End of story.

Point is: don't ever get bullied into, coerced into or made to feel bad for not meeting with someone. Don't intellectualize it. Don't rationalize it. Better safe than sorry.