Real Talks: Disenchanted Disney Marriages
- Erica Szusterman, LMHC
- Apr 11, 2017
- 4 min read
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the couples work that I do. With all of my heart, I believe that many of the challenges that come up over the course of a marriage are avoidable to some extent. Some come up due to your expectations of marriage or partner. Others have to do with lack of foresight, experience, and/or guidance.
No matter the case, I hope that this list of things to know about marriage will not only help you make sense of what a real marriage can look like, but will help you gain a better understanding of how set yourself up for a happy and successful life with your partner from the starting line. Because this isn't a Disney movie, and marriage isn't the end of the story, it's the beginning.
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1. Never stop investing in your foundation
A solid marriage is based on a foundation of friendship, attraction, and values.
Couples that do not know each other very well, or who have drastically conflicting values (he values family and wants children, she values career and does not want children) have a much more difficult time later on than those that don't. That's not to say that you must agree on everything, or that if you're with someone who has a very different world view you're doomed to fail. It does mean that it's important to be realistic about what you're getting into and not to expect your partners core self to change.
It also means that as you two grow and mature together, you must continue to get to know each other, have fun, and share what's cared about, important, and what you want for the future.
2. It will not be like any other relationship you've had in the past
I often hear, "I've never had a problem like this before in a relationship". Well, you've also never been married to this person before. With each new partner you have comes different challenges. You're both going into this relationship with baggage, pasts and your unique, individual hopes and dreams. All of this changes how you interact with one another.
Don't expect this relationship to mirror any other.
3. It will never be easy
It doesn't matter who you choose to be in a relationship with, in order for it to last it will take work. It will take eating shit, letting things go, allowing yourself to be wrong even when you know you're right.
It will take an effort to coordinate schedules and spend time together. Patience and understanding and choosing to consider yourself on the same team despite disagreements.
The goal is for all of that effort to be for the greater good - meaning, for the growth and success and happiness you and your partner will hopefully find together. Which leads to...
4. You will always feel like you're settling
Nobody is perfect. I'm sure you've heard this before. The saying "there is a lid for every pot" is pretty, however reality is never that neat. We find lids that are suitable albeit being too big or too small, and we make them work because having an imperfect lid is better than cooking with no lid at all.
Everyone comes with problems - sex, financial, fidelity, laziness, anger... You will be settling with anyone you choose to marry.
The question you must ask yourself is whether or not you're okay settling with this particular partner in this particular area.
Do they have the traits that you find most important (are they a good person, are they honest, do they have respect for themselves and those around them, etc...) or are you settling in something that you can work at (are they terrible at self soothing and need constant attention)?
What I'm saying is this: if you're able to build and maintain a successful relationship, it will be because you're building and maintaining it, not because you and your partner are perfect for each other.
5. Be open...but not too open
It's important for there to be a certain level of transparency in a relationship, not to mention open and honest communication. This is especially true regarding finances, plans and goals for the future, and parenting.
However, there is such a thing as too much information. Your partner does not need to hear about your ex, or the number of sexual partners you've had - no matter how "chill" they seem. Your partner definitely doesn't need to know that you think they are crappy in bed or that you hate their mother.
I am NOT saying that you should not be honest about those topics in general, only that the way they are brought up needs to be open...but not too open.
For example, often I'll hear one partner say to the other, "I want to have sex with you, but I don't like how to you...". In a romantic comedy your spouse might respond, "I see, please teach me exactly how you enjoy being intimate" and then they would adjust what they do to fit your needs (after some hilarious hi-jinx of course). Instead, more often than not, there will be some offense taken and the discussion quickly degenerates into a fight.
There are ways for you to be open about most topics that will have a lower chance of hurting your partners feelings. It's important to know what needs to be said and what does not, and to know how to approach them about sensitive issues.
6. You are (and always will be) responsible for your own happiness
In both your marriage and in your life you will always, always, always be responsible for your own happiness. It is never healthy to depend on your partner as your only source of joy - they will always disappoint you.
Happiness comes from within. It's built by creating a balanced life with social/familial support, hobbies, and areas in your life that give you a sense of growth/achievement/success. It's maintained through grateful, mindful mindsets and by putting in the effort to support the life you've built for yourself. Your partners only role in this happiness is to add to it, never to be responsible for it.
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