The Blame Game (And How It's Killing Your Relationship)

We are all suffering in some way or another in our relationships. We might feel unloved, unappreciated, frustrated, annoyed, insecure - and that's normal. It's normal because n

Nobody is perfect, which means no relationship is perfect. It's normal because we ourselves have felt as though we were suffering at one time or another in a relationship, and because our partners are suffering too.

Our suffering is not a problem in and of itself. What can become a problem, however, is the way we respond while we are experiencing these unpleasant emotions.

It's the oldest story in the book: we have a awful day at work. Our boss is an asshole, the customer is unappeasable, we're stuck in traffic the whole way home. We walk through the door and our partner is sitting on the couch,

relaxing with a drink, watching TV. Laundry isn't done, dishes are piled in the sink, dinner isn't ready, the house is a mess.

So, we explode.

We yell at them for being lazy, for not caring that you had a bad day, for not being responsible. We feel angry, resentful, upset... we also, logically, know there's a better way to handle this situation. It's possible that if our workday had gone better, we might not have been as infuriated with this situation at all. We might have asked our partner what happened, how their day was, what kept them from doing the things you thought they were going to do. Unfortunately, shit happened, and when your natural tendency is to lash out, blaming the world around you is the end result.

Blame does several things for us: it allows our brains to project our negative feelings outwards away from ourselves. It gives us the freedom to avoid processing, sitting with, acknowledging those feelings. It excuses us from the responsibility of owning our painful emotional baggage.

In terms of our relationship, it also isolates us from our partner. It perpetuates a cycle that if you allow to continue, might result in your relationships eventual demise. It leads to feeling constantly frustrated, annoyed, irritable - sometimes without even knowing why - and when there's no one to lash out at, it can lead to depression.

Think about it this way:

You have a bad day and want to come home and feel cared for. You expect to find dinner in the works or ready, and someone to vent to. Instead, your partner is sitting and watching TV, relaxing. You notice they haven't done any of the other things you expected them to. You think, 'What the fuck! I had such a shitty day and this lazy ass is sitting happily on the couch. They were obviously home before you. That's not fair.' The thought leads to you feel angry, and you yelling at your partner.

Things may have gone differently if you were to think of the problem as your own separate issue, completely unrelated to your partner. You might then think , 'I had the worst day. I really wanted to come home be taken care of. My partner doesn't know this.' This thought leads to you feeling upset, but not specifically with your partner. This will enable you to use other relationship skills (in this case communication) to relate your suffering/needs without blaming them, and will give your partner the opportunity to respond positively.

Acknowledging that your bad day has nothing to do with your partner allows you to ask for whatever it is you need in a non-combative manner. It allows your partner to actually hear your plea for their help, love, support.

This begs the question: what if they don't respond in the way you'd like?

Well, first of all, if you partner loves and cares about you they will want to relieve your suffering if possible. I've asked my clients thousands of times if they want their partner to suffer, and I've never had anyone answer that they did, even if their actions are currently the cause of their partners pain.

But if they don't? Tell them clearly and succinctly what it is that you need in this moment.

"I'm having a shit day. So much went wrong and it has nothing to do with you, but it would make me feel a lot better if you could order a pizza and grab a wine glass for me while I get settled in."

And if they STILL don't?

Take a deep breath or two, get yourself settled in and take care of yourself.

Do not yell, scream, blame, guilt trip. Do not criticize. Eat a little ice cream or chocolate, binge watch something on Netflix, work out, go for a walk, call a friend, have a drink, take a bath/shower. Then, later that evening or the next day, after you've calmed down and feel better, have a conversation about what happened. Share with your partner that you could have used their support in that moment and give them the opportunity to share with you why they weren't there for you.

Yes this is hard. You will have to be the bigger person and eat a little shit. Absolutely, it might cause you to feel some resentment. Don't lash out! Take a break, calm down, self soothe, remind yourself that your partner loves you and discuss it later. Do not let the resentment build, but definitely don't address it with them while you're upset (and thinking with an angry brain).

Maybe they had their own shit going on that left them feeling overwhelmed and unable to be there for you. Maybe they didn't know how to tell you that they needed their own time to recover. Maybe they didn't realize how bad it was for you. Either way, discussing the issue without blaming or being passive aggressive will leave you partner much more open to doing things differently next time than a huge argument will.

And if you're the one who is living with a "blamer"?

The most common mistake I'll hear of is blaming back and saying things to hurt so that your partner "knows how [you] feel". This obviously won't actually show them how you feel, but it will escalate the argument and perpetuate the cycle you're probably in.

Stay calm and walk away as needed.

Validate the feeling while expressing the behavior is not okay.

Attempt to look past the angry, accusatory language to see the bigger picture.

Ask them what they need from you.

Again, this is extraordinarily difficult. It's hard not reacting when someone is accusing you of something that you feel is untrue and unfair. However, doing things the way you're doing them now probably isn't working out so well, and being in a relationship is and always will be difficult and a lot of work. So, put your energy into doing something different, and as always, never hesitate to seek professional help.

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