6 Ways To Deal With Difficult Family Members
- Erica Szusterman, LMHC
- Dec 21, 2016
- 3 min read
Love them or hate them, you're pretty much stuck with them - we all have family members that are difficult to get along with.
Whether it's an obnoxious in-law, loud mouthed cousin, or irritable uncle the few times per year we see them are uncomfortable and a bit torturous.
Chances are you don't get along with this family member for a reason. It doesn't matter whose fault that is, but it does matter that you take steps to keep the holiday pleasant and drama to a minimum.
Sometimes there's even a good reason to not want to see them, but either way here are some tips to help you make the best out of an unpleasant situation.
1. Keep it superficial - as important as all of our opinions are, and as wrong as we know others can be, it's completely unnecessary to discuss sensitive topics (politics, religion, the meaning of life, your cousins third divorce, your grandpas drinking problem...) during your time together. Talk about how cold it's been lately or the new Hess Truck commercial. Ask questions about their new job or share some safe, superficial tidbits about yours. Nod and smile.
2. Create space - just because you're family doesn't mean you need to be close physically. Feel free to sit with a few other people in between you, speak to others you're closer to, go for a walk or sit in another area after dinner. Don't blatantly ignore - be polite, smile, say hello - but then excuse yourself to socialize with someone else.
3. Don't overindulge - drinking alcohol can liven up a party, warm our blood, keep love in our heart. It also can lead to being sensitive, over-sharing and poor judgement. Be careful about how much you consume. You can't control what other people say or do, but you can be responsible for your own behavior.
4. Not responding is a response - you might be doing everything right: keeping busy with other people you care about, not bringing up sensitive topics, staying cool and collected and sober enough to make good decisions... and then someone brings up something sensitive (or is down right mean).
You don't have to respond. You don't have to defend yourself. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to continue the discussion.
Not responding is a response in itself.
It requires some measure of comfort in your own skin as well as the ability to be the bigger person (which can be difficult for all of us), but sometimes it's more important to get along than to allow a fight. Similarly to when couples fight; more often than not, it's less about who started it and more about who can take a step back and finish it.
5. Be open and honest - if the family member is disliked because of a habit or behavior, it might be possible to discuss this with them before the event. Choose a time where they are calm and relaxed and you are mentally prepared to be cool and collected to have a difficult discussion. Be prepared for potential backlash and if you choose to provide an ultimatum be prepared to stick with it.
6. Limiting time together - when all else fails (if you have a choice) you can limit the amount of time spent together. Some family members may simply not be good people to be around. Instead of going over to your relatives annual holiday party and staying until midnight, stay for an hour, make an excuse (not feeling well, have another event, kids are sick, dog is sick, need to work in the morning...) and leave.
Instead of inviting them over for dinner at your house, chip in for dinner at a restaurant where at the end of the meal you can go your own separate ways. Instead of spending the day together, make time only in the evening.
It can be uncomfortable for all parties to break tradition and it can even cause some damage to your relationship with that person. Let's face it, you would be offended if you were suddenly excluded from someones life too. You're not going to change this person over the course of a meal and if whatever it is that persons doing is damaging enough, maybe they don't need to be as big of a part of your life as they are currently.
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