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How to Have A Difficult Conversation

Erica Szusterman, LMHC
Feb 14, 2017
3 min read

Difficult conversations are a necessary part of our every day life, and some of those conversations must be held with people we genuinely care about.

No matter who it is and why, if you care about the person then you care about how they react to what you're saying, and there are things you can do that make difficult topics easier for the other party to hear.

1. Pick the appropriate time and place

It's generally not the best decision to have a conversation when you or the other person is angry or in a rush. Wait until you're both calm and have plenty of time to talk so that you're able to choose your words wisely, be less reactive, and have enough time to end the conversation on a positive note.

2. Start gently

The first three sentences of a conversation tend to dictate how the rest of the conversation is going to go, even if it's something small.

Think about it this way, if you were on the receiving end, which would you prefer to hear from your spouse:

"I thought you were going to do the dishes! You promised you would yesterday and they're still piled up in the sink! You've got to be freakin' kidding me!"

OR

"Honey, yesterday you said you were going to do the dishes but I noticed when I walked in that they're still not done. What happened?"

Odds are you'd prefer the second - I know I would. It isn't accusatory and doesn't blame or criticize. It gives the other person the opportunity to explain what happened and a chance to fix whatever it is that didn't go well. Most importantly, it's not an introduction to a fight.

To start more difficult conversations try something like : I was hoping we can talk about something that's a bit difficult. It's something I've been thinking about for awhile and I'd love to be able to share this with you and have a conversation about it, would that be okay?

3. Use I-statements to avoid making the other person feel criticized or attacked

The formula goes: I feel [emotion] when [situation] happens.

I feel like you're a jackass when you don't call me back after I've called you five times is not an I statement. Also, "jackass", "asshole" and "shithead" are not emotions.

If you're struggling to come up with an actual emotion pick from the most common four: mad, glad, sad, afraid.

4. Keep it short and sweet

Let them know clearly and concisely why what is happening is hurtful to you and what you would like them to do differently.

Listening is a skill in and of itself, and can be difficult for those who are not used to practicing it. After 3-4 sentences, people tend to tune out. If you want someone to listen to whatever it is you're saying, be brief and to the point so that your message isn't lost.

For example: It makes me worried to see you drink so much when we go out. I've seen you hurt yourself and put yourself in dangerous situations and I wouldn't want that to happen again. You also say mean things when you drink and it hurts my feelings. I love you very much and I would really appreciate it if you could drink a smaller amount when we go out.

5. Be willing to compromise

Sometimes meeting people half way can get them to do whatever it is that you want. If you and your spouse have different ideas about what a "clean house" looks like, backing off a bit, or making the chore something you two do together can sometimes be helpful. So can hiring a cleaning lady.

Keep in mind several things might happen: the person may not be receptive to what you have to say; they may not agree with what is happening or try to minimize their behavior; they may try to turn things around on you, become belligerent, choose not to participate as much in your life...

This is why you staying calm and on topic is important. Don't allow yourself to get side tracked and keep the conversation brief. If they start getting nasty you can end the conversation by saying, "listen, I love you and I know that was hard for you to hear. I just wanted you to know how [insert behavior here] effects me. What you do with that information is up to you", and walk away.